Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Wait a minute…
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
In case you needed to hear it:
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”