All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
You Might Also Like
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
dogs can find happiness so easily
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.