Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”