All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
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Möther may I have a snäck
I’m having an out of money experience.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Cheers Twitter.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.