Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
You Might Also Like
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Pot warmers of the day.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
pelicons
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.