All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
This is me 🤣🤣
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.