@heyitsJudeD

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

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@ermahgarton

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

@MattTheBrand

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

@batkaren

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

@DanMentos

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

@PrettyNBoots

Deactivated my FB. Before the final “submit”, they show you pictures of “friends” that says “These people will miss you”. Best laugh ever.

@SteevUmc

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

@HomeWithPeanut

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

@o__0Dev

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

@effinghandbook

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.