All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

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bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit


[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today


I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.


words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic


Deactivated my FB. Before the final “submit”, they show you pictures of “friends” that says “These people will miss you”. Best laugh ever.


My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?


Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…


It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.


Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.