All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer