All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
This classic never gets old . . .
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
This sounds bad:
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?