@kelkulus

All those years studying karate saved my life one night, when a man with a gun jumped out of nowhere and demanded I count to 10 in Japanese.

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@LibyaLiberty

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

@ohmygrapeness

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

@juliussharpe

I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.

@daemonic3

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

@TrueTorontoGirl

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

@AKenyanDude

If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra

@FriskyOnWhiskey

If anyone’s seen me at my best, and seen me at my worse, and still accepts me for who I am, it’s definitely the liquor store.

@robwhisman

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

@duplicitron

Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.

@SouthendNewsNet

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …