My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Coffee for people with no kids
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back