All those years studying karate saved my life one night, when a man with a gun jumped out of nowhere and demanded I count to 10 in Japanese.

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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.


Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church


I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.


ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it


HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.


If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra


If anyone’s seen me at my best, and seen me at my worse, and still accepts me for who I am, it’s definitely the liquor store.


a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables


Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.


Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …