I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
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I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign