All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Bruh PLEASE
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT