All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]