All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Love is in the air fryer.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Mad Max: Furry Road
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach