@TEXASVETERAN

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

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@hellohappy_time

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”

@E_Ville13

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

@RexHuppke

I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.

@SteveSuckington

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

@UncleDuke1969

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

@PleaseBeGneiss

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!