All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”
I don’t think that’s correct.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.
i love twitter
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!