All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Worth a try
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!