All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.

Dating is hard!

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You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…


[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*


Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…


Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!


Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.


Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk