My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
tell em, edith-anne
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there