You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.
Dating is hard!
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[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I’m not yelling you’re yelling, she yelled
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
How to get laid:
Step 1: Be an egg
Step 2: That’s literally it