Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
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[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.