all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Somebody’s lying.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones