All You Need Is Love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.

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*Holding my newborn son*

Wife: What about Mike?

Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!

*Drops Mike*


Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.


A disturbed lecturer


I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.


Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.


Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?


Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.


*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.


[first trip on a cruise liner]

CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships
ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}


What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression


People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.