@BillMc7

All You Need Is Love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.

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@GatewayHug

*Holding my newborn son*

Wife: What about Mike?

Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!

*Drops Mike*

@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

@OMGSoOverIt

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

@clindsaysway

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

@ArfMeasures

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

@1evilidiot

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

@sonictyrant

[first trip on a cruise liner]

CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships
ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

@catstronomical

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.