*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
A ghost story
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.