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@better_off_dad: All you need is love.
and health insurance.
@noduffers: I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you're looking for metaphors, I'm probably the grapefruit.
@ozzyunc: A dog made of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.
@seamusmckracken: Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
@samiam604: *me at Target*
"Hey baby, you want some of this?"
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
@ScottLinnen: Cats are just fuzzy plants that hate you.