“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…