timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.