alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
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Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Love this guy
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”