Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
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So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
groan^2
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Happy Caturday!
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
WHY?!
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late