@CantWaitToNap

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

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@Chumpstring

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

@Bob_Janke

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

@Skoog

Me: [throwing another failed entree onto the floor] make it again!

Stuart Little: please, i’m not who you think i am my name is stu-

Me: [grabbing him by his tiny shirt] make it again rat chef

@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

@iamledgin

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood