@ChiChiGreenblat

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

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@Marlebean

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

@dragnut

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

@killazilla

HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
HR…
Me- a house landed on your sister

@georgeattherock

“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?

“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health

@pittdave13

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

@markydoodoo

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

@ojedge

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

@DaddyJew

Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.