Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

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Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.


Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.


HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
Me- a house landed on your sister


“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?

“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health


Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS


i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”



Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”



Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.