Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Me: say it
Me: say “see you later alligator”
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TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[email protected] My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
This motel air conditioner has seen some things…
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.