@david8hughes

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

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@Eyeronic_name

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

@annetdonahue

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

@joshgondelman

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

@drayzze

This motel air conditioner has seen some things…

@HenpeckedHal

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

@decentbirthday

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

@TheToddWilliams

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

@donni

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.