Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
We’re all getting idioter.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”