nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
thanks auntie mary
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them