Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
plant them where lol
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.