Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
#oldknees
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire