Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
the clam before the storm
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
yeah not falling for this one
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.