@SardonicTart

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

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@onlxn

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

@UnrealRogue

Get a free debt analysis by visiting your parents this holiday.

@ericsshadow

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@meganamram

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

@Jandalize

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

@behindyourback

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.