Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Saturday
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.