Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.