Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*