Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
can’t talk my ride’s here
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.