@NinsunG Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…
– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
@SincerelyMen Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I’d be pissed
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@NinsunG 
@Love_bug1016 The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
@sophielou Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
@simoncholland Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
@djdarrellripley Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
@Michael_Erhart *Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
@OfficialPLT Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
@WilliamAder If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
@corinnemlwsw I’m vegan until my next paycheck.
@Gooooats I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.