Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…
– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I’d be pissed
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I’m vegan until my next paycheck.
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.