@Henry_3k
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
@SincerelyMen
Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I’d be pissed
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@Henry_3k
@LilBlueBlood
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
@LazerPunch
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
@dafloydsta
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
@ThisOneSayz
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
@blondediva11
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
@MNateShyamalan
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
@wumother
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
@mattZillaaaa
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
@shwebby3
*Pulls away from Kissing*
Me: This isn’t weird is it?
Cat: Meow