Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
waiting for halloween be like:
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Customer is always right
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Was it something I said?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I self medicate, therefore you live.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are