Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
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Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Sex so good you see dead people.
My safe word is Worcestershire
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.