@notalogin

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

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@clusterBtraits

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@seamusmckracken

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

@kimtopher22

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

@TheFearBoners

The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong’s interview is the Tour de France.

@funflaps

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

@JessCarpWrites

I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.

@HatfieldAnne

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

@AimeeHelene1

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

@DrakeGatsby

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”