Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember