almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.