My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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I have a type: disappointing
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
this has done me in for some reason
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief