Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.