Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
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Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Siri, fight Alexa.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”