“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed