“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩