[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver鈥y grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Self-cleaning conscience
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 馃槈
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 馃幍 I really can’t staaay … 馃幍
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 馃幍 I have to go a … 馃幍
me – ok, bye!
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I鈥檓 adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man鈥檚 best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.