@devonpalmers

Already ate all the toilet paper I stocked up on :/

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@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

@partlyfunny

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

@chuuew

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

@NikiWithIssues

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

@TheAlexNevil

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

@woodmuffin

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

@abhorrent_wife

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

@4boding

My weekly retreat is simple: driving alone down country roads for a couple of hours with tunes cranked up and singing loudly to livestock.

@FuckabillyRex

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@murrman5

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??