Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
never forget
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.