@devonpalmers

Already ate all the toilet paper I stocked up on :/

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@portmanteauface

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

@LittleVodkaOwl

Anyone want to suit up in full hazmat gear and head to the grocery store to freak people out?

@hermanntrude

Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body

Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body

Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me

Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?

Head: *explodes*

@toomanytoes

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

@PatsATweetin

The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

@inigoomontoya

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

@SortaBad

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

@ianpauldukes

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

@Home_Halfway

*Hands waiter menu back at a fancy restaurant* I don’t know what any of this is and I’m scared