My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I feel attacked.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
new career option?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.