Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes


Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”


Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.


Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.


WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to download the new Nickelback single


Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.


peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit


I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.


[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer


Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?