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Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?